I get angry with the people I love sometimes. Does that make me a bad person?
person displaying forced optimism, holding a thumbs up and an exaggerated expression on the face
I’ve heard people say that nothing good ever comes out of anger…
There have been such atrocities that have manifested out of anger, which just shows that there are bad consequences for not being able to control it. What if anger takes control and possession of the human body?
What if the fear of anger actually comes from an assumption that at our core, we are bad, we are sinners, and left to our own devices, we would resort to primal ways of getting our needs met. Bulldozing and eliminating any obstacle in our path? Being completely out of control?
Years ago, I attended a Catholic service for the first time in my life. This is also the only time I’ve ever attended one of these, so I have no idea if this particular service was common practice but I was shocked by what I had witnessed. I was only there to support my brother who was hired to play the organ in the service.
The priest had a powerpoint presentation and there in the front pew was a row of young children, who could not be older than 10. What he was teaching these young and impressionable kids was that they had to be good and be vigilant to make sure that they be as good as possible, as well as atone for any sins committed, because if they weren’t good, they’d burn in the hell fire.
I was horrified and sad to see these innocent, bugging eyes stare at the priest and this teaching. What he was teaching them was essentially, that they had to be careful. That they weren’t already inherently good. That they had to watch themselves. He highlighted that they would not be able to just trust themselves to be good people, they needed, required the threat of being BURNED IN HELL FIRE to just be good. To just be themselves.
This teaching runs deep and goes way back in our ancestors and lineage. It teaches us that we cannot trust ourselves completely. That we need a threat of something like this looming over us. If we sin, then it means that we’re bad people. And that’s really bad.
The consequences of believing that anger is bad
Anger is a normal part of the human experience. And we are likely to reject any part of our human experience that we don’t like, or are ashamed of, because that is what our culture teaches us to do.
If I had a dollar for the amount of people who tell me that they “just need to find more compassion within themselves”, I’m sure it would fund a little trip to Turks and Kakos. The action of swallowing your anger is not only bad for your physical and mental health (Mate, 2004), but it will take you further away from yourself. In this AfterSkool clip, https://youtu.be/BVg2bfqblGI?si=Lachwc1_EesUoYCO Gabor Mate talks about the balance between attachment and authenticity and that hopefully, we as children will have the unconditional permission to experience both at the same time. He explains that given the option though, a young child will always pick attachment over authenticity, if they were forced to choose.
This means that if your anger was not tolerated as a kid and you were never taught how to express it in a healthy or productive way, then you’ll likely supress it to maintain the attachment and not be rejected. This makes sense on an evolutionary perspective because, as we are the most dependent species on the planet, being rejected from caregivers would not be a good time.
This leads to questioning yourself, doubting your emotions or intuition, judging or assuming your feelings are automatically wrong because the world around you will reject you if you were to express yourself authentically. Sound familiar? This can then lead to shame and self abandonment, causing even more disconnect from the self. It is as if you reject the parts of yourself to protect yourself from being rejected externally.
Is anger bad?
The short answer is no. But of course, there is an argument that might suggest that anger is bad. Anger has had a bad rap and there have been plenty of bad things happen as a result of anger and rage. If you have been taught that anger is bad, and have not been taught what to do with it and how to express anger effectively or in line with your values, then feeling angry can feel really alarming and we can be left feeling guilty and ashamed after expressing it.
The benefits of anger
Where would we be without anger? Even though bad things have happened because of anger, plenty of good things have happened too. Anger is necessary because it sends us a message that says “something is not right”. It highlights injustices and helps us push back when our boundaries are crossed. Think about all the human rights movements that have happened that has helped things progress a little bit more; votes for women, feminism and womens rights, the civil rights movement, the me too movement, Black lives matter.
Anger lets us know that we have eyes in our skull and that our nervous systems are paying attention. Long live anger to help us notice when something needs correcting.
That being said, anger indicates that we have moved into fight or flight mode. The nervous system first evolved to develop our freeze and fawn response in the dorsal vagal activation. We next evolved the fight and flight response, which is the sympathetic activation, then finally humans evolved the ventral vagal response.
Anger helps us mobilize out of dorsal vagal, out of depression, withdrawal, shutdown, and into a more alert and engaged activation. Although this can feel stressful, it is actually protective and says “enoughs enough”.
Showing up for - and being with anger
Real quick, if its okay and you’re able to and have the capacity right now, I’d like you to think back to a recent enough time when you experienced anger and as you take a few deep breaths, see if you can locate where it feels in the body. Please don’t do this while driving, (hello road rage), but if you’re not and you’re able to do that, just sense into the anger and notice if it has a colour. You don’t have to think of one, just see if a colour shows up. Does it have a size, weight, texture? Does it have edges or does it radiate outward?
Noticing how you feel towards the anger itself? Do you have any difficult feelings towards it, any judgements, criticisms, wishing it away? Or do you feel open and accepting of it, any curiosity towards it? Just notice.
Then notice as you breath and as you track the breath, notice how the breath moves around the sensation of anger. And just as your breath moves around it, do does your curiosity and compassion. We are not trying to fix the anger or make it go away or put any pressure on it to quiet down. We aren’t trying to replace the anger with compassion and curiosity, we’re just noticing that there is enough room in your body for the anger, your breath, and your curiosity and compassion. All parts are welcome.
If you are open and curious towards the anger, see if we can check in with it and see if it wants you to know anything, or wants to bring your attention towards anything in particular? We don’t have to try to think of anything just see if anything comes up. It is okay if nothing does come up.
Now that you notice that you have anger here with you and can observe it, that you have breath and can observe it, that you have curiosity or compassion and can observe that, that you might have any other difficult feelings and can observe them. Now notice the one who is doing all of this observing. Who is that? What is that? That is you, as pure consciousness, observing.
Checking in with the anger and noticing if anything has shifted or changed at all. Totally okay either way. Really well done for practicing being with your anger and working on that relationship that you have with it.
I just want to leave you with one more thing. As you work on your capacity to be with your anger and notice it, I’d like to leave you with a skill so that you know how to express anger, how to advocate for your anger, so that it does not overwhelm you or it does not feel minimized or dismissed or supressed.
We have 4 flavours of communication usually;
- aggressive
- assertive
- passive
- passive-aggressive
When anger is around, we can also communicate this in these ways
- aggressive
- assertive
- passive
- passive-aggressive
If you are reading this, chances are you value not being aggressive with your anger and I’m totally here for that. Sometimes this happens and even though it’s a big release at the time, it feels rubbish afterwards as it goes against a lot of values.
As you read previously, being passive with your anger is bad for your health. You’ll become emotionally constipated and all bunged up. There’s no point in being passive with it anyway because resentment will build and it will just come out in passive aggressiveness anyway eventually. I imagine it coming out like play dough being squeezed out of a mr potato head.
Being assertive however is an excellent way of being with your anger. It is as if you’ve got your anger by the hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze and able to articulate your needs effectively. Assertive is not the same as aggression. It can feel daunting to express yourself assertively, especially if you fear this being taken the wrong way or being rejected in some way. So take what feels helpful, and see if there is anyone in your life who feels safe enough to “practice” this with, so you can dip your toe in while flexing your assertive muscle. I’ve got a framework here for you. Listen to this.
1. State what you’re noticing.
2. State how it makes you feel.
3. State what you need moving forward
4. Know what you might need to do if this need is not met in the future to help you feel safe again.
This might sound like
1. I notice that you’ve made a few comments about this thing that I really care about.
2. I feel angry when I hear you talking about this thing in this way.
3. I need you to rephrase that more sensitively, or I need you to stop talking about that completely.
4. If you aren’t able to do that, I might start to feel more annoyed, irritated or resentful. Or if this keeps happening, I’m not going to be as forthcoming or trusting with sharing things with you that I care about. Or If this keeps happening, I’ll have to walk away.
You might notice a difference between 3 and 4. There’s a difference between making a request and setting a boundary. By asking someone to meet your need, they will hopefully do that, but they might not. They might not want to, they might not be able to, or have the capacity to. So by having the boundary there as the next option, you ensure that you protect your wellbeing, and stand up for and by your anger.
You might even find that the people in your orbit will be more likely to adjust to the new boundary and shift things, knowing that the behaviour that is activating your anger, will risk your connection. It isn’t manipulation, but it is a potential and happy by-product.
Mate, G. (2004). When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Vintage Canada.
